Dear Hearts, while I wait for a departure date to drop into my lap, I’ve been musing about some last lingering doubts and about Nature, my harshest and wisest teacher.
‘Why am I leaving this!”
I’ve been asking myself this question nearly every morning for weeks now as I sit, often uncomfortably, in the uncertainty of not knowing where to from here. A trigger for all of the lingering doubts about our decision to leave to come back and torment me.
It’s winter here in Australia, and along with Autumn, it’s my favourite time of year. Full of cold nights with the fire on, blue sky days and lovely walks safe in the knowledge that all of the the creatures that can kill me are sleeping! There’s a gentleness to the wilderness now that allows me to exhale after the intensity of summer. To fully relax into myself and into nature.
My time here has changed the way I view a lot of things, but the way I see nature, that is a gift I take with me regardless of whether I’m in the city or in the wild. I have been humbled by the beauty and the ferocity and resiliance of the natural world. She has been my harshest and wisest teacher. She has shown me she is not something that can be owned, tamed or claimed. I’ve felt a strong sense that carving out a life here was almost against the flow of nature, something forced, ‘unnatural’ even. In summer, it’s all about keeping the jungle from the door. Inhaling so tightly as if under siege. I feel that all I had to do was drop my shears and she would gladly reclaim her lost territory, weaving herself back through what I had created and cleared, as if bringing it all back to her bosom to nurture.
Living here has been a journey back to me and to my place in nature. I call it my rewilding. A journey of remembering and belonging. That I belong to Nature and not the other way around, That I am, at the most, if I’m lucky, a temporary custodian of the land I live on. That I don’t need to ‘own’ it to feel connected to it.
So, as I looked out over the forest this morning, instead of getting caught up in the doubt and sentimentality storm, I asked what really is the ‘this’ that I’m not ready to let go of. Then I made a mental list: the view, solitude, stillness, quiet, freedom, my connection with nature etc. And when I mentally stepped just to the side of that list to take a good look from another angle, I realised that none of those things were tangible ‘things’. I wasn’t feeling sentimental about the house or even the property itself. What I really felt attached to were things that I had discovered about myself and about my place in nature, all things that have no real tangible connection to ‘this place’. Things that are a direct result of being here, but not part of here. And I know regardless of where I end up, I’ll take them with me because they’re part of me now.
Now that I’ve written this I’m not sure what I’m trying to say but I guess I’m sharing this because after many months of wading through the messy middle bit of trying to make something big happen, I feel like I’ve come another step closer to it actually happening. Now I’m sending out even stronger and more truthful messages to the Universe because this morning my mind and my heart gave each other a high five, and said lets do this, because, you know I’ve got places to go and things to do!